


Crisis of Faith

by Bl4ckHunter



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Crisis of Faith, Inner Demons, Matt struggles after taking a life, Other, au after season 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 08:14:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18847111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bl4ckHunter/pseuds/Bl4ckHunter
Summary: One-shot story. AU. Matt struggles with himself after killing a thug during his vigilante activities.





	Crisis of Faith

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note and Disclaimer:
> 
> An idea that occured to me when rewatching Daredevil Season 3 and reading some Daredevil comic books.
> 
> I do not own anything in Marvel Cinematic Universe.

When Matt was sure he had fully recovered from his injuries after the explosion of Midland Circle, he went out in his old vigilante suit, black bandana around his head and black shirt and jeans. Matt heard a robbery happening in a small liquor store few blocks away as the Devil took over the job.

* * *

"Come on, let's get out of here before the cops get us." One of the thieves said as he put a bottle of alcohol into his bad.

"Come on, man, few more bottles won't hurt, we should celebrate…"

"That's enough, let's go."

The two thieves left the liquor store before from above jumped down Matt. If he was being honest with himself, he missed it. This was a simple breaking-and-entering. Matt kicked one of the thieves in his face before he heard cocking of a gun and dodged as another thief tried to shoot him. Matt threw his billy club, knocking the gun off the thief's hand before he sensed the other two thieves attack him. Matt managed to dodge one punch but the second one hit him in the face, dazing him as Matt felt his entire world spinning around. Due to still recovering from the explosion, Matt still wasn't fully in shape as the thieves were gaining the upper hand. One of the thieves hit Matt in the head with a bottle and punched him in the face and kicked him in the chest as Matt fell down.

The thieves proceeded to beat Matt up as he was lying on the pavement but Matt grabbed the leg of one of them, causing for him to fall down and he got up, kicking the other thief in his chest and landing two punches in his face, knocking him out. The last thief tackled Matt and they struggled briefly before Matt reached for his billy club and attempted to hit the thief in the head. The thief grabbed Matt by his throat, choking him but, something took over because of the recent loss of Elektra as Matt felt nothing but instinct for survival and relentless rage burning inside as he roared and proceeded to hit the man relentlessly in the head with his club before he heard a familiar voice as a policeman aimed his gun at him.

"Freeze!" Sergeant Brett Mahoney shouted as he looked at the vigilante and recognized him, shocked at how he brutally beat up the thieves. "Oh, my God…"

"Sergeant…" Matt said hesitantly as Brett measured the pulse of the thief that Matt had beaten up a moment ago, while looking at his bloodied and bruised face.

"I'm sorry but you've gone too far." Brett turned to Matt, about to arrest him but Matt had managed to disappear.

* * *

Few moments later, Matt eavesdropped on the police chatter and ambulance radio and felt guilt fill him as he heard that the thug had died from head trauma.

* * *

Karen and Foggy watched TV as they recognized Matt in his vigilante outfit as they watched the footage from street cameras.

"Did you know he was back?" Karen asked.

"No." Foggy admitted.

"Oh, my God…" Karen whispered, seeing how Matt was brutally beating up the thugs.

" _Surveillance cameras captured three robbers in an altercation with the masked vigilante "Daredevil", who appears to be wearing his suit from his early vigilante days and who had evaded capture. Police are asking anyone with information about his current whereabouts to contact the authorities. Two of the unidentified robbers have been released from the hospital and are currently in police custody. However, the third, Leo Carraro has died from reported head trauma on his way to the hospital._ "

"Jesus, Matt…" Foggy said as he and Karen were horrified that Matt had gone too far.

* * *

Frank Castle was watching TV in his hideout too as he shook his head, worried. "Like I said, Red. You're one bad day from being like me."

* * *

In a nightclub, a woman with long dark hair was drinking at the bar as Matt sat next to her, wearing a brown coat. "Mind if I take the seat next to you?"

"Suit yourself." The woman shrugged. "It's quite a party, is it?" She turned to some men at a lounge, toasting and celebrating and cheering. "Every week a guy celebrates either getting out of prison, bachelor party or…"

"What are they celebrating now?" Matt asked.

"From what I hear, guy avoided jail because of technicalities. Broke in to a family's house, dad was home early and bit the bullet. Creep went to trial but the evidence was too circumstantial and there was no witness to ID him." The woman said. "Guilty or innocent, who knows."

"Innocent." Matt said.

"How do you figure?" The woman wondered.

"Let's just say I have a sense for this kind of stuff." Matt said as the bartender poured him a drink. "You won't mind telling me what time is it?"

"The clock's right in front of you, man, what are you…" The woman paused as she looked into Matt's eyes and realized that he was blind as she felt embarrassed. "Oh, God, I'm so sorry, I didn't…"

"Don't worry about it." Matt assured her. "I make it hard for some people to notice."

"What are you…" The woman got herself together. "Don't take this the wrong way but why is someone like you in a shitty bar like this?"

"Just because I'm blind, doesn't make me a hermit." Matt said as he pulled out some painkillers and swallowed them before drinking his glass of whiskey. "It's… it's strangely easy to forget I can't see in places like this. Bars are like a picture to me, you know. I know every detail without seeing it. Hearing the people and the clatter, smells filling in the cracks…"

"What are those pills for?" The woman wondered.

"Pain." Matt said. "Recovering from a recent accident."

"You won't mind if I take one?" The woman asked.

"That would be illegal. Sorry." Matt said.

"What's your name? I'm Camilla." The woman said.

"Matt." He said as he offered his hand and she shook it.

* * *

**_Few years ago, Clinton Church_ **

_"Goddamnit, Matthew!" Jack swore as he dragged little Matt towards Father Lantom._

_"You can't say that in a church!" Matt protested._

_"Godda… I know that! Just listen to me for once!" Jack snapped as Lantom turned to them._

_"Jack Murdock. I haven't seen you since…"_

_"Yeah, yeah, sorry, Father." Jack nodded. "Busy with the fights and jobs. Look, I'm gonna be late." He looked at his watch. "I'm at my rope's end with him, Father. He broke and entered into a house!"_

_"I did not break in! The window was opened, so I just entered!" Matt protested._

_"You hear that? I swear I'm raising a lawyer!" Jack said, frustrated as he was leaving the church. "Just do the confession and be home before midnight and clean up the kitchen!"_

_Matt and Lantom stared at each other before the latter spoke up. "Did you do anything wrong, Matthew?"_

_"I didn't." Matt said._

_"Alright, let's skip the confession. Start from the beginning." Lantom requested._

_"Jeremy Colton happened." Matt crossed his arms as he sat down. "He conned Davey White out of his baseball cards and Davey's not that bright, Father and Jeremy knows that. So I…"_

_"I am going to guess here. You bro…" Lantom cleared his throat and corrected himself. "You… entered… his house and took the cards back." Matt nodded, looking guilty as he looked at Lantom. "What you were doing, was righting an injustice."_

_"Exactly!" Matt said. "Who cares if I broke the law?! God would've wanted me to get those cards back for Davey!"_

_Lantom sighed. "Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's."_

_"What?" Matt asked, not understanding._

_"When Jesus was asked if it was lawful to pay taxes to Caesar, that's how he responded. Caesar's face adorned the coins, so they were his. We move between two kingdoms, Matthew. The kingdom of God is paramount but we have obligations here in the material world as well, rules of order to follow."_

_"I don't under…"_

_"You're a good kid, Matthew. And you did a good think for your friend, righting an injustice. But man's laws are still man's laws. So, as far as I can see, you did one thing wrong. You got caught."_

* * *

**_Present_ **

Matt got up from the bed and put on his pants, contemplating as Camilla yawned, their clothes scattered around after going from talk in a bar into a one-night stand sex in a motel apartment.

"That… was nice." Camilla said before she remembered. "Look, I don't mean to pry but I think I read about you in the news. You're Matt Murdock, right? The lawyer that defended the Punisher last year?"

"Yeah." Matt nodded. "But… I don't do that anymore. I'm…" He sighed. "I guess I'm trying to figure myself out. Lately, it's been harder to decide which path to take. What to do next."

"What, you're going through some existential crisis or whatever?" Camilla laughed softly. "And picking up girls in bars a part of it? Because I've been going through that myself, too."

Matt sighed. "It's just… a lot has happened to me recently. The pills you saw me take back in the bar… I was…" He hesitated. "A truck hit me few weeks back. It was bad. I've had to go through therapies, recovery…"

"Oh, man, look, I… I'm so sorry. But… maybe you should probably get one of the seeing-eye dogs." Camilla suggested. She looked around on the floor before she found her bra and put it on before looking for her pants. "It… it was nice, tonight but… I gotta be back at home early and I don't trust my sister to feed my cat and… if you want, maybe we can do this again if you give me your number and I'll call you."

"You…" Matt considered. "Trust me, getting involved with me is a bad idea."

"Wow, I'm not proposing, Mr. Dark and Mysterious. I like you, Matt but frankly, you're not my type. I won't lie, I was intrigued when I noticed you were blind but…"

"Please, just don't make my disability your fetish." Matt chuckled.

"What? No!" Camilla giggled as she pointed at tattoos on her arms, roses, skulls and blood. "It's just… people tend to judge me by my looks. You don't see it but I have… tattoos. Quite… graphic ones, might I add. Mistakes from when I was a kid. Kind of never brought myself to take them off. But you paid attention to me and didn't judge me. I'm just saying, it's been the first time in a while, since I could let my guard down and feel like myself again and pick you up with my charm and feel like myself. And it's been a long time since I did not have to worry about my face or tattoos on my body or if I'm pretty enough."

"If I could see, I'd think you were beautiful." Matt admitted.

"You think so?" Camilla asked.

"I've learned that you shouldn't have to judge by looks. Kind of ironic, I know." Matt and Camilla both laughed before she left the apartment.

* * *

**_New York_ **

"This is not something we turn away from." One of the cops said as he looked at the blood on the pavement. "There is no justice in this. No law. A man was beaten to the verge of death and for what? Did this "hero" picture him turning his life around? Going straight because a man in a costume beat him up?"

"Look, everyone sometimes snaps." Brett said.

"No. I've met men like him before. They're thrill-seekers looking for joy and adrenaline and trying to vent out their anger. This Daredevil did this because he  _needed_  to and he liked it. Because he enjoyed beating him to death."

* * *

**_Clinton Church_ **

Matt was in confessional with Lantom as Lantom spoke up. "May God, who has enlightened every heart help you to know your sins and trust in his mercy."

"Amen." Matt said guiltily. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I've… I've used… great violence. But for… for the good. To help…"

"Dear Lord… this sounds serious." Lantom whispered.

"Is it?" Matt wondered. "Didn't… didn't Jesus… didn't he drive out the money changers from the temple? With… with a whip? Isn't violence justified sometimes? In the hands of God, I can… I can…"

"I…" Lantom hesitated not sure what to say. "The mind controls your hands, Matthew. Not God. Yes, Jesus drove them out of the temple with some degree of violence but  _he was the Son of God._  You are just a man. And men can succumb to violence. And no matter the justification, they can grow to crave violence. It destroys your spirit. It destroys lives. Yours and everyone around you." Matt breathed out in guilt as he dropped his head into his hands. "I hear it in your voice, Matthew, you are on a precipice. There is a difference between saving someone through  _the_   _unfortunate use of violence_  and someone, who _seeks violence, like an addict succumbing to temptation._  And honestly, it seems like you're struggling to find out which one you are." He then noticed that Matt had left as he looked. "Matthew?"

Matt was outside the church, tears in his eyes, not even recognizing himself anymore.

* * *

Karen and Foggy entered Matt's old apartment as they saw him just sitting and thinking.

"Matt?" Karen asked as she and Foggy looked at him warily.

"Are you OK?"

"If you came here to yell at me or take me in, I won't fight back." Matt said.

"We did not come here to yell at you or call the cops." Foggy assured him.

"But honestly, we're worried about you." Karen said. "I get that it has to be… tough. Taking a life. But… it was self-defense."

"Was it?" Matt wondered. "I didn't feel will to live. All I felt was… fire. Rage."

"Matt, just because you killed a man, it doesn't make you a bad person." Karen pleaded. "It was either him or you."

"I've kept telling myself that I can be better. That I don't have to live in that darkness unlike Elektra. I thought there was still light in me." Matt said.

Karen sighed. "Matt. I… I'm sorry. For everything that's happened between us. Please."

"We know we treated you badly and messed up but we just want you to know that you're not alone and that we're not gonna turn our backs on you again. And what you did, does not make you a monster. Let us help you. Please." Foggy pleaded.

"There's no helping me this time. Just leave." Matt said and Karen and Foggy looked sad, not knowing what to do to make Matt feel better.

"The freak with the code finally saw the light." " _Frank_ " said behind Matt, laughing. "Doing what needs to be done. Swing at the Devil, you won't get up. But killing a liquor store robber, that's too far even by my standards, Red."

"I'm nothing like you, Frank." Matt growled.

"You've been a phony since the day I met you, Red. Beating up criminals with your little sticks, like standing up to bullies back in kindergarten. A dumb kid with a Halloween Devil costume getting away with a little bad and little dirty." Frank taunted. "You act like you care about the victims but you always let the scumbags live and make  _more_  of the victims you " _care_ " about. I care about victims. Willing to be the monster, to be strong, so they can have luxury of weakness. So, am I right, Red? You done being a phony?"

"You… you're nothing but a lunatic with guns. Justifying murder, thinking you're above the law…"

"All you do is break the law, yet you enforce it, like a hypocrite. You can't  _break_  what you're  _above_." Frank interrupted him. "You dress like the Devil and you operate on a whole different level and you know it. What do laws mean to the Devil, anyway? You gonna tell me that one of those lowlives are gonna be next Tony Stark? Gonna turn their lives around and become a doctor? Or freaking Mother Theresa?"

"People have had bad lives, Frank. Rough childhood, mental health issues, society pushing them away… lives are complicated. That doesn't justify…"

"There are idiots, who'd kill for two grand worth of coke and a stupid jacket. I let them go, they kill again. They are who they are and they kill because people like  _you_  let them kill. They go to jail, they get bailed out later and it's a cycle that never ends until you do what you should have the guts to do, Red." Frank goaded. "And what about if I kill them in self-defense? Sounds familiar? Your fucking line is stupid, I'm sure this ain't the first time you crossed it. Do the math, Red. I put down one bad guy, more good guys get to live." Matt's blood boiled at Frank's logic. "When you and I butt heads, I figure you're a good guy but you're a selfish good guy, who just does enough to feel like he's a good guy. Who one day may take me out and leaves more twisted sick fucks like Fisk or Russo or the Hand out there, ruining lives. Do the math. Either stop trying to stop me or grow some balls and finally do what is necessary.

Or are you afraid you're gonna end up like Elektra?"

Matt snapped as he lunged at Frank and imagined beating him to a bloody pulp and snapping his neck until his thoughts returned to him sitting on the couch.

* * *

"Hey, Matt." Danny said as he, Luke, Colleen and Jessica entered as they heard about Matt brutally beating up more thugs on the streets even after he killed a man.

"What the hell is going on with you?" Luke demanded.

"I'm… I'm just trying to do what is right." Matt said as he sat down, tired. "I thought I could still be…" He dropped his head into his hands. "I killed a man. I keep hearing the sound of his head cracking every time I close my eyes. I'm just… I'm just trying to do what I can. Few last good things before… before I have to answer for my crime. So… if I'm going to prison, I'm glad that you of all people are taking me…"

"We're not here to take you in, Matt." Colleen said. "But honestly, we're all worried about you."

"The way you beat up the thugs lately after that incident at the liquor store…" Danny pointed out. "Look, I've been where you're at and I'm telling you, you need help, Matt."

"Look, you're clearly in a rough shape but what happened, was an accident and self-defense. Things like that happen." Luke assured him. "We've been where you're at right now. People die sometimes. And yeah, it is our fault sometimes."

"None of us go out looking for it. None of us are careless but it happens." Jessica continued. "You need to deal with it and move on because it's part of the job. You help people and…"

"Then that makes us all murderers." Matt interrupted them.

"Look, you have every right to feel bad about what happened. It would be wrong if you didn't. It's what makes you human. But you need to get your head straight." Luke told him.

"Luke's right. You've been getting into street brawls with cops and you're a walking bandaged spokesman." Colleen agreed.

"Look, we can't do this anymore! We're not above the law and…"

"Matt, just calm down and take a breath and take it easy, OK? I think you've been having it rough lately." Colleen held him as Matt took a few breaths and nodded.

"You… you're right. I… it's been rough lately and I should take a shower." Matt said and Jessica, Luke, Danny and Colleen were glad to reach him at some extent.

* * *

_"I want to help people, Father. This is how I help. I'm good at it. God made me good at it." Matt told Lantom as they were in the crypt area after Matt started wearing Daredevil suit from Melvin._

_"God made you a lot of good things, Matthew but…"_

_"This needs to be done. Innocent people are getting hurt."_

_"Your father fought so you wouldn't have to." Maggie corrected. "Dressing up like the Devil, wearing this unholy image makes it seem like you're not doing it but the Devil is. Not Jack Murdock's son beating up the disenfranchised, the ones who haven't found God but the Lord examines both the righteous and wicked. And you may be righteous but this violence will be your undoing. God loves you, Matthew. Hold on to that and do the right thing. Renounce this violence. Renounce the Devil."_

_Matt didn't know how to argue with it._

* * *

"Normally you'd see me coming from miles away, so to speak." Spider-Man said as he snuck into Matt's apartment as he was still wearing his vigilante suit. "Look, honestly, I don't know who you are and I'm not talking about the man under that mask. You killed. And… I've killed too. Not a man but aliens. And I won't lie, back then I felt like it had to be done but… it's still horrible. It makes you think about a lot of things and do a lot of soul-searching."

"What's your point?" Matt asked.

"You need to learn to be better at what you do. But look at yourself. You terrorize the neighborhood and you beat up even cops and I saw your last sloppy fight, your friends had to save your ass. You're a mess and in trouble and on a suicide mission. I'm telling you, you need to stop. After seeing what happened to Mr. Stark, it made me realize we can't do this forever. One day, we make too many mistakes that our bodies can't take anymore and too many people will get hurt and not enough saved. I did take a break from it because someone, a good man, stepped up, told me it was my day to stop. And I'm here to tell you, you're done. Today's your day. You need to stop before you go over the edge and go down dark places, where you might beat the hell out of a good man just for the fun of it. I've almost been there." Spider-Man said.

Matt sighed. "You're right. I know you're right. I've been looking for the answer for a while now and… I thought I could push through hard. Be more relentless. That's always been my answer but I guess I was ignoring what my body… my heart was telling me." He dropped his mask down.

"No more Daredevil."

"At least until you can get yourself straight." Spider-Man said. "I won't lie, trying to find yourself again is not easy. But no matter how lost you are, if you really want to, you can find your way back to the light. You just have to keep looking until you find it. But I'm telling you, if you keep continuing right now… there's no going back. You need to take a step back and let everyone help you."

Spider-Man left as Matt considered his words before he dialed a number and waited for the call to be answered.

" _Matt?_ "

"Hey, Karen. I… I wanted to apologize for earlier and you're right. We need to talk."

**Author's Note:**

> I was trying to describe Matt's inner struggle after taking a life in self-defense, hope I did a good job. Consider this an AU after Defenders, where Matt still survived and was recovering at the church but his friends found out he was alive later.
> 
> And this version of Spider-Man is more mature since this takes place after Endgame. And I think at some point Peter and Matt would've met.
> 
> The hallucination of Frank was supposed to reflect hallucination of Fisk.
> 
> Please review and let me know if you have enjoyed this one-shot.
> 
> With regards
> 
> Bl4ckHunter


End file.
